Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Questions. Answers. Life.

Self-belief, like self-doubt feeds on itself. When everything's going well, the small things you do wrong are glossed over and looked at as aberrations. When things are not going well, every small move you make is analyzed with excruciating detail.

What if I hadn't done this in that particular way? What if that had fallen in place the way I'd expected it to? What if...(No. Not the Coldplay song.)

Maybe it wouldn't have been such a waste of effort. (It never is a waste, incidentally. You always learn). Life would have been different today, wouldn't it?.

Especially when you get this feeling of déjà vu, you can't just say "Ah, there's a glitch in the Matrix" and move on.

If you are scared of making the same mistakes again and doing something completely stupid, you will. You never learnt your lessons, did you? (When they were handing out sanity, you were sleeping at the back of the class).

Maybe you won't, but you will never know unless you take that giant leap of faith. Maybe things will go the way you would like them to. Maybe they won't. Maybe you don't even know how you'd like things to go.

Maybe I worry too much.


thedq said...

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you dont try, how will you know? Must of us dont try because we are too afraid of the risks involved. But sometimes we have to understand the difference between repeating a mistake and 'trying again'. :-)

Ajay said...

DQ: Yes, you are right. I'm out on a limb for a bit now - the comfort zone has disappeared. I am still trying to figure some things out. But aren't we all in the same boat? :-)

CAR said...

Ajay, this is a very non ajay post. I am not sure if I am glad or sad about it. But you make sense. Just like we all, even you are sounding clueless and proud of it. I could tell you that you will find a way but then I would just be lying.

Ajay said...

DW: I'm surprised you think I have it all sorted out. Sometimes it's difficult to put to words the challenges that fry your brain and turn it inside out -which is why I don't write about it. You do a great job of it.

I'm not proud of being clueless or ashamed of it. There are variables right now that need resolving, and time isn't making them any easier.

I've seen worse, so I can say - it's a phase, and this too shall pass.

Navrina said...

Wow ! This blog does reflect a very different side of the "Ajay" which I didn't know "existed" -- this is my kinda blog :) well,you surely have company on this boat.
Fear does prevent us from trying and going beyond what might seem the limit for us- but truly isn't! There are no mistakes in life --only Lessons. But at time like these, these are mere sentences - we need to pick up ourselves and 'climb' , when we hit the wall...coz there a world beyond that.
Now you've got me started and even though I don't have a phd in Philosphy or psychology-- I think I am a SQDP (self qualified Double PHD) in these fields :)
Anyway, its a phase and it will pass...But learn from it and have faith in yourself- it will liberate you from this cycle of self doubt and help you carry on !
You'll be surprised what a combination of "Faith in self and hope" , can do for you !!!!!!!

Yes! maybe you are worrying too much since it showed up on your blogs are diverting the "reflection" traffic from my domain ! :)

Ajay said...

Navrina, thanks! I'm hanging in here - thanks in no small measure to kindred spirits like you.

As I said, it's not like I don't have my doubts - I find it difficult to put them in words that make sense (without compromising my personal life and privacy) so I don't put them up here.

Somehow the reflective posts I think will slip by unnoticed seem to evoke the most reactions, and the posts I spend real effort on (music, movies, tech) go un-commented. :-)